Please, for God's sake, kill yourself! You've fooled a lot of people over the years since you decided there was money to be made in art. And I suppose to give the devil his due your one true creation was that one need not be an artist at all to succeed fabulously in the NYC art world. But without a scintilla of artistry, artistic vision, or artist's soul the question keeps shouting itself out loud, "How the fuck did you do it?" They say a fool and his money are often parted (which I believe is your artist's statement), but that other saying that "you can fool some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time" hasn't caught up with you yet. Apparently, at pulling wool over eyes you are up there with the best of them, as evinced by the recent story about you in the new yorker (which from hereon will be written in the lower case in protest). Yes, you are a huckster of epic proportions! A true mountebank. A snake oil salesman par excellence. The mystery that remains is why you were allowed to happen in the first place, and why for God's sake and the sake of art you are allowed to continue. Surely there must be at least one America-despising terrorist group out there who instead of killing innocents en masse can focus on you, Jeff Koons, as symbolic of all that is wrong with America and launch a jihad against you (and hopefully blow up your "artwork" in the process). You say you are personally "bringing art into the 21st century". How very modest of you. The world is indeed made for those without a shred of self-awareness or self-examination; they can say anything and believe it to be true. Please, kill yourself! Kill yourself! But perhaps there is a reason for your unfathomable success. When was it when you made the pact with Satan? Was it one long afternoon of ticket-taking at the MOMA when you wished upon a dark star, and suddenly your vision of giant cuddly kittens (that you didn't even make yourself but hired out to others) became reality. And then there was the giant hedge in the shape of a puppy, and of course Michael Jackson and his monkey. Yes, you give kitsch a bad name and whenever the word "artist" is used alongside yours the English language is further demeaned. "The artist Jeff Koons". Pardon me while I vomit... There, that's better. I know you are a relatively young man but I urge you to take up smoking (200 packs a day should do it). In fact, I'll buy you the first pack. And if you ever decide to visit Virginia please come to KRONOS, but give me a day or two's notice, as I will round up a camerman and videotape myself beating the shit out of you. Being beaten like a yard dog on YOUTUBE may be the only artistic thing you'll ever do.
Owner KRONOS Art Gallery
(this article appears in SAMIZDAT July/August 2007)